I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
