As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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