i permit you to call me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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