also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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