FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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