He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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