my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
