i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
