I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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