I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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