I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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