You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
