dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
