My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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