i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
