If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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