I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
