I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
