You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
