Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
