so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
