Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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