Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
