i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
