just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
