Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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