my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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