I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
