woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
