The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
