Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
