You just made me feel so damn special
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
