oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
