Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
