come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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