And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
There's even glitter on my cock...
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