pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
