last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
