I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
