Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
