im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
