I wish I only lived at night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
