I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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