I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
