Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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