Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
