the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
