exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
