I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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