im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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