He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
