I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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