I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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