I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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