I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
