I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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