Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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