I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
